Heart of Me
by mediawatchingal
Summary: AU from 2x05 on. An injured Matthew is being taking care of by Mary, and a confession from Lavina leads to the unraveling of secrets and the start of something so few expect.
1. Chapter 1

Matthew had been making tremendous progress over the last few weeks.

Having dismissed Lavina and with Richard being in London the time Mary spent with Matthew was endless.

She had begun a regular routine of taking a tray in her room for breakfast while Anna helped her dressed and then making her way to the hospital.

This morning was no different for Matthew as he woke up in a startled way, forgetting once again that he was no longer in the trenches. After reality had caught up with him, Matthew was able to pull himself up from lying down and gather his thoughts.

He waited, he knew she would be there soon as it was already half past eight.

He watched the clock on the other side of the room and realized that he shouldn't be relying on Mary's company so much. Grabbing the book at his bedside table he started to flip through it and distract himself from his thoughts of her.

After only a moment he slammed the book shut. It was useless, it all reminded him of her. What did it matter anyways? Mary was his friend, and their renewed friendship since his return had reminded him of the simpler time, before the war.

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard one of the nurses greet Mary as she entered the room.

"Good morning…" she greeted him with her usual bright smile as she sat down next to his bed.

He nodded at her not returning the smile, but trying, and she could tell his disposition was changing daily.

"Reading something interesting?" she asked him as her eyes dropped down to the book in his lap.

"Oh it's nothing, I was just…its Austen and its old. Like love stories is really what we want to be reading" He sat the book back on the table and his hand fell by his side brushing her fingers. She pulled her hand away quickly pretending to smooth down the pristine blanket on his bed.

She loved him and she would care for him for the rest of her days if he'd let her but she didn't want to give herself any false hope. After all he'd already sent Lavina away and he was in love with her.

"Mary…" he pulled her from her thoughts and her attempts at fixing the blanket by lacing his fingers through hers.

The breath caught in her throat as she looked up at him.

"Thank you for being here these last few weeks. I know you certainly had better things to do and I can't imagine Sir Richard is to pleased but I appreciate it, and I - I just wanted to you to know" Matthew admitted, finally showing her the soft smile she had waited weeks to see on his face again.

She patted his hand in return and unlaced their fingers smiling, trying not to let her emotions get the best of her. "How about some breakfast?" she asked him.

Mary rose to go and fetch a tray before he could respond. She couldn't give any clue to how she felt.

For heaven's sake what would he do, send her away from him as he did Lavina?

Laugh in her face?

He certainly would not return her love, not after the way she had treated him.

She needed to be strong, for Matthew.

They'd spent the day playing cards and reading to each other. Matthew had managed to eat both breakfast and lunch a goal that had not been reached since his return. Isobel had stopped by periodically and was joining them once again for tea.

"Mary, won't you stay for dinner with us tonight?" Isobel asked.

"Mother, please don't bother Mary with that, she has been here all day long. No need for her to spend the evening here as well." Matthew interjected.

"Well, I know it's humble in comparison to the Abbey, but I would personally love it if you would stay Mary." Isobel insisted.

"It's not a bother please, of course I'll stay Isobel thank you for the invitation." Mary smiled and looked to Matthew for approval.

"And I don't mind being here Matthew, all day or all night."

Matthew grinned back at her raising arching an eyebrow.

"Just remember you agreed to it…" he added with a warning tone as he thought how much he didn't mind her being here all day and night either.

After dinner and Isobel's departure Mary and Matthew sat contently with her reading to him.

Their voices had dropped to just a whisper as the room became more still with the others falling asleep. Matthew's bedside lamp was the only thing that dimly lit the room.

"You should get going home Mary. It's very late." Matthew insisted as he watched her uselessly attempt to conceal a yawn.

"Alright, if you insist. I wonder if I can ring for Branson to come get me…" Mary wondered aloud.

"If not, I insist you just walk over to Crawley house. My bed is empty and it would be much safer than walking home alone, in the dark." Matthew spoke sincerely while in Mary's mind the flash of them falling into his bed together, lips desperately seeking skin, clothes falling to the floor went quickly through her mind.

She shook the thought off, hoping Matthew had not noticed the brief distraction.

"Oh I am sure someone can manage. It can't be that late…" Mary spoke quietly as she stood up and looked at the clock.

"Heavens, it is one in the morning…how could I have gotten so carried away." Mary laughed quietly.

"Really? Well I must say that this is one of the first days I have truly enjoyed since being back so I'm glad you've stayed so long…" Matthew admitted quickly before continuing after seeing Mary yawn once more.

"Really, please just go across the street to the Crawley house. Besides you have already eaten dinner with us tonight no reason to return to your lots fancy silk sheets when you can continue to row with us…" he smiled as he spoke and she returned it, they both paused a moment pleased that their banter had returned so easily.

"Mother will still be up, she only just left a while ago. It would make me feel much better about your well being." He added.

"Alright, alright. I will not walk back but I do intend to inform your mother it is your fault I am disturbing her at such a late hour." She leaned forward to help him slide down into a lying position as she spoke.

"And I will take full blame on the matter." He grinned as she pulled the covers up higher so he could pull them over his shoulders if he'd like and leaned down to place a kiss on his cheek.

She lingered at his cheek a moment and whispered.

"Goodnight Matthew, I'll see you in the morning for breakfast." Her lips brushed his cheek once more.

Before she could pull back she felt his hand come up to her face and brush her own cheek. She pulled back slightly and looked into his eyes. His eyes moved from hers to her lips and he brushed his finger over her lips. Her eyes closed slightly and she felt a shudder run through her, hoping he did not feel it as well.

He lifted himself the little he could and closed the space between them capturing her lips and pulling her closer so he could remain lying down as she stood, leaning over his bed still. The kiss started slow and sweet but he deepened it running his tongue along her lip she opened her mouth to him.

All of her concentration was focused on the kiss, so much that she began to loose her balance, bracing one of her hands on the railing of the bed's headboard for support.

After a moment he pulled back and rested his forehead against hers. Both their eyes remained closed. Mary was unsure of what to do, what to say.

She was wondering why he had done it, or what to think of it.

"God Mary, I'm so sorry. I know I should not have done that…" Matthew spoke quietly as his hand rubbed up and down her arm.

"I don't know what I was thinking…I wasn't thinking." Matthew admitted.

She remained still with her forehead to his and her eyes closed. She was unable to accept an apology for something she had wanted so badly since he first walked away from her four years prior.

"There's no need to apologize Matthew…" Mary finally spoke and lifted her lips to his forehead placing a kiss.

He closed his eyes in response. She continued to hover above him as she spoke once more.

"I'll see you tomorrow…" she stood straight again and gathered her things to leave.

His voice stopped her once last time.

"Goodnight Mary and thank you for today." Matthew spoke quickly before she could get to far.

"Goodnight Matthew"

Just as he thought, Isobel was still awake when Mary made her way up the path to Crawley house. She was happy to take her in for the night and suggested she have Moseley set up a room for her. Mary declined though and told her Matthew had offered his room to her since it would already be made up. Isobel continued to insist but Mary declined again.

She reached Matthew's room at the top of the stairs and thought briefly for a moment of how it could have been her room, their room, if she had not been such a fool.

How the room just across the hall from it, that appeared to be his study, might have been a nursery instead. She stood in the door way briefly taking in the sight. She had spent very little time in Crawley house and certainly had never seen Matthew's bedroom.

She turned the bedside light on and pulled the pins out of her hair. She slipped out of her dress lying it down across the trunk at the foot of the bed. When she slid under the soft sheets in only her slip she could smell Matthew immediately.

She pulled the sheets under her chin and buried her face into the pillow. Thinking of their kiss and the smell of him that remained on sheets that he had not slept on for months, sent her into the most restful night of sleep she had in a long time.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: I have thought long and hard about where I wanted this fic to go. Hopefully it works... _

_Please let me know what you think! _

* * *

Mary woke up slowly, the sun shining in her eyes through the window.

She could smell Matthew, and smiled.

She opened her eyes and looked at the empty pillow next to her, her smiled faded

and she closed her eyes again hoping to will her dreams into existence.

She opened them once more, but reality had intervened.

What a stupid woman you are… She thought to herself as she lay in his bed.

Lying there under circumstances completely different from how she wished.

She made her way downstairs after she dressed, eager to get home and change so she could return to the hospital.

* * *

"I don't want to be a burden Mary, you should go home. I'm certain there are better things for you to do" Matthew broke the silence that had lain between them for the last couple of hours.

Mary had been reading quietly, she didn't want to press anything on Matthew he was not in the mood for and he hadn't seemed in the mood for anything today.

She looked up from her book at her questioningly.

Had they not been through this a hundred times?

Or perhaps she had only had that conversation in her head.

She was exactly where she needed to be.

She gave him a look that he understood without explanation.

She wasn't leaving.

He took a deep breath and groaned, twisting the upper half of his body trying to sit up. She immediately leaned forward in the chair to stand and help him but he held up a hand to her motioning for her to stop.

"Please…Don't." Matthew pleaded and Mary retreated back to her chair and let him help himself with no comment.

"I need to learn how to take care of my self Mary. You won't be home with me once I'm out of the hospital." As Matthew spoke he took note of the grimace that crossed Mary's face.

"Well if you'd really like me to leave Matthew then I will. I don't want to bother you.

Your mother will be here shortly for luncheon anyways." Mary rose again with her book in her hands as he settled.

"I already told you that you could leave Mary…" Matthew was aware of his harsh tone but had no remorse in behaving as such.

She turned to go but he continued speaking, "I would like for you to stay though" he paused and she turned back to him standing at the foot of the bed.

"I'm sorry for my behavior today, it's just - I know we sit here in silence but it isn't silent for me…." Matthew admitted. Mary was afraid of what he would say next and took a seat at the foot of the bed as he continued.

"I can still hear it all, the shouts, the whistles, the shots. All of it, rings through my mind. It's deafening, I'll here an explosion and I'll look up to see what direction it is coming from and your there, or mother, or Robert. I'll wake up in the middle of the night thinking I'm in the trenches and you or Lavina is right in front me in the middle of it all and I can't get to you soon enough…"

Tears were pricking at the back of Mary's eyes as she tried to keep her composure as she listened to Matthew. She moved higher on the bed, closer to him, and used her handkerchief to wipe away the tears that had escaped his eyes.

"I'm sorry I don't mean to get upset. I'm just trying to explain." Matthew continued on as he wrapped his fingers around the wrist of Mary's hand she had placed on his cheek.

"Matthew, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize. I care for you Matthew. I just want to make sure your healing well and taking care of yourself. I know that it is difficult, but I won't pretend to understand what you are going through. I am here for you though whatever you wish to discuss or not." Mary squeezed his wrist in support as she finished speaking.

"Thank you Mary." Matthew grinned at her though her head was dropped.

"You can't know what that means to me." He added.

They sat in silence for a moment more until Matthew broke it again.

"Perhaps we should give the chair a try again today, before Mother arrives? Then we could all have luncheon together outside." he asked brightly as Mary took note of his shift in moods.

* * *

After dinner at the Abbey the ladies and Robert sat in the drawing room discussing the days events and Matthew's progress as they sipped their cocktails when Carson interrupted.

"Pardon me sir but there is a telephone call for Lady Mary, it is Miss Swire"

Everyone turned to Mary with a questioning look. "Lavina?" Violet asked.

"What in heavens could she want to speak to you about?" Cora added.

Mary rose without acknowledging their comments and went to take the call in the front hall.

"Hello?" she waited for the girl to respond on the other end.

"Mary? Oh I'm so sorry to bother you at such a late hour and you must think it strange for me to be calling you but I felt it was rather important." Lavina spoke seriously.

"Not at all Lavina, is everything alright?" Mary asked, her intrigue over what this could be about growing by the second.

"Well I've actually phoned you for two reasons. First off, a friend of mine has recently introduced me to a Dr. Edward Collins. He specializes in the types of injuries Matthew has and I've spoken to him about it. He would like very much to see Matthew. However, I'm not sure Matthew would listen to me and allow it. He sent me away with such haste that I feel like he would think more of it if I contacted him about this." Lavina's tone softened as she spoke of Matthew's dismissal of her.

"I see, does he seem to think Clarkson could have it wrong?" Mary asked, trying not to let the hope rise within her.

"Well he said that diagnosis of spinal injuries can be difficult and thought it best to offer another opinion and I know Matthew has already had a second opinion but that doctor never even spoke to any of us but Dr. Clarkson so how do we know?"

Lavina paused before continuing.

"I know he'll listen to you Mary if you would just talk to him about it. I promise I'm not trying come back into Matthew's life. I know he doesn't want that and I'll respect his wishes, but I do care about him and if it could mean something different for him then…" Mary interrupted her, needing no more convincing.

"Of course I'll talk to him about it Lavina. Although I'm not sure he'll listen. His mood is improving daily but you know how stubborn he can be." Mary finished speaking and heard Lavina laugh through the phone.

"Yes Mary, we both know how stubborn Matthew is." Mary swallowed tightly wondering at Lavina's full meaning and the line remained silent for a moment.

"You said there were two things you called about?" she asked.

"Yes, well, the other truthfully I would really like to talk to you about in person. So, if Matthew allows Dr. Collins to come then I'll come from London with him as well and perhaps we can have tea?" Lavina asked, her tone serious once again.

"Oh heavens, is it that serious?" Mary continued on before Lavina could respond. "I'll talk to Matthew in the morning about Dr. Collins and I'll call you after. Perhaps I can get Isobel to agree with it as well. Matthew values her opinion so." Mary finished.

"He certainly does, he values yours too. Well Mary, I look forward to hearing from you tomorrow and thank you so much." Lavina finished and they said their goodbyes.

* * *

"Another doctor? Really Mother, you can not be serious?" Matthew sat in his chair outside with Mary and Isobel after breakfast that morning.

"It couldn't hurt Matthew, could it?" Mary spoke up finally, hoping to take some of the burden off of Isobel.

"I do not see the point in trying to get my hopes up for any different opinion just to be told the same truth for a third time…besides who is this doctor anyway? How does he even know of my condition?" Matthew asked, directing the question to Isobel.

"He is an acquaintance of Lavina's." Mary answered before Isobel could say anything

"Lavina?" Matthew looked to Mary for an explanation.

"Lavina telephoned me last night." Mary finally admitted.

"She shared your condition with this Dr. Collins and it has raised his interest. She wanted us to talk to you. She did not want you to think she was trying to work her way back into your life but, like your mother and I, she cares about you and just wants to know that every option has been explored."

Mary took a deep breath as she finished.

There was enough between them unknown as it was, and she decided she did not want to add to that anymore.

"I see." Mary noted Matthew's unusually calm response.

"And will she come to Downton if this doctor comes?" Matthew asked Mary this time realizing now that all along it was Mary who had been contacted, not his mother.

"Yes, but she does not have any intention of seeing you. She actually would like to see me while she is here." Mary explained.

Matthew looked at Mary questioningly and she shrugged her shoulders answering his unasked question as to what Lavina could want with her.

He paused a moment and a silence fell over them before Matthew spoke again.

"This is the last one Mother, no more. After he inevitably tells us for a third time what we already know I want to be seen by no more doctors. I also will only do this on one condition." He paused again and they waited for him to continue.

"After this, I want to leave the hospital. I don't want to stay here anymore." Matthew finished and waited for the rejection of his conditions.

"Then it is settled" and Isobel agreed without objection.

* * *

Mary met Lavina and Dr. Collins at the train station the following afternoon.

Branson dropped the doctor off at the hospital and proceeded to the abbey. The ride had been a silent one until the doctor departed.

"Is Sir Richard in town?" Lavina asked suddenly as they made their way up the drive to the big house.

"No, he is coming tomorrow evening on the late train." Mary answered.

"I see…" Lavina's gaze drifted to the window as they pulled up in front of the house.

Once they settled in for tea alone and Carson had left them Mary impatiently waited for Lavina to speak.

"What is it Lavina? I can hardly understand what could be so important for you to make the trip from London." Mary could no longer conceal her frustration with Lavina's stalling.

"There is something I must tell you Mary. Several things actually." Lavina admitted and Mary continued to stare and wait for her to continue.

"I know about Kemal Pamuk. I know what happened between the two of you. I also believe that Sir Richard is very aware of it as well." Lavina finally confessed and Mary sat perfectly still her face not giving any emotion away.

"Heavens. Those accusations are very presumptuous. Where would you get such information from?" Mary responded in a quiet voice that Lavina had never heard from her before.

"Edith." Lavina spoke the name, and Mary froze, and thought, _twice betrayed by the same sister_.

"She made a comment of yours and Matthew's falling out over your past. Two subjects of which I was very unaware of and she explained them to me." Lavina continued on.

"I had sensed something between you and Matthew, however I was not aware of the full situation…Edith thought that I was. I don't think she meant it in any harm and it was so long ago. She seems to have changed so much since then. Please don't hold it against her." Lavina pleaded.

"What my sister thinks she knows is not as it all seems…" Mary defended herself on the subject for the first time in any capacity, and then she continued.

"If you have known what you think you do for so long why are you telling me now?" Mary asked.

"That has to do with the second thing. Sir Richard, he knows of the indiscretion doesn't he?" Lavina asked.

"This conversation is completely inappropriate Lavina. You have no idea what you are talking about and you're very out of line." Mary stood suddenly to leave, seeing no reason to divulge her secrets to Lavina.

Lavina stood as well, attempting to stop her from leaving the room.

"Sir Richard tried to get me to return…" Lavina admitted and when Mary turned around with a shocked expression on her face she continued.

"He came to me the other day, telling me that Matthew wanted me to come back to Downton and that your mother was asking after me as well. I imagine though that it has more to do with the time you have been spending with Matthew…"

Mary sat back down slowly trying to take in everything Lavina was saying.

"Mary, I'm not trying to upset you. I understand being under his control. I know his character. I just want to help you and know what you are dealing with." Lavina finished and waited for Mary to speak.

Mary sat perfectly still for a moment her eyes fixed on her fingers as they twisted in her lap. She looked up before she spoke. Her face once again giving nothing away.

"In 1913, Kemal Pamuk invited himself into my bedroom. He died in my bed. By the following May, Matthew proposed to me. I wouldn't give him an answer. I loved him, I couldn't let him marry me without knowing. Even more, I couldn't stand for him to despise me if he did know. So he took back his proposal. Richard bought the story from someone, just after Matthew was injured. If I marry him, he will keep my secret." Mary didn't break once. She never admitted it all to anyone.

"You didn't have to explain that to me Mary." Lavina spoke so quietly Mary had barely heard her.

"So many people seem to think they know what happened. One person should at least know the truth." Mary continued to act as if she had simply shared the day's weather with Lavina and not unleashed her deepest secrets.

"You love Matthew." Lavina said it without the least bit of judgment or resentment.

"Lavina…" Mary rolled her eyes slightly and breathed heavily.

"Please Mary, I have known for sometime so please don't pretend any longer. Matthew loves you too. Everyone knows that, everyone obviously except the two of you it seems."

"Matthew loves you Lavina. If his condition were different the two of you would still be engaged. Matthew does not love me." Mary stood again this time only to pace the floor.

"I love Matthew too Mary. It isn't the same though. Something that is between the two of you was never there with us. Mary…will you please sit down." Lavina spoke calmly.

"What is the point in all of this Lavina?" Mary sat down and for the firs time felt defeated in being able to hide her emotions.

"What if Matthew gets better Mary?" Lavina ignored Mary's question with her own.

"Lavina, honestly. What are you saying? I'm engaged to Richard. Even if by some miracle…What about you?" Mary asked.

"I love Matthew, Mary. I do and I would have married him. I also believe that we could have been happy Mary, content but, I want whatever is missing Mary." Lavina admitted.


End file.
